Anxiety and depression…

I think a lot of anxiety and depression are tragically trying to protect us from feeling emotions, beliefs, and identities that we’ve deemed are unacceptable. Everyone has a different bag of what’s acceptable or not, based on their culture and upbringing, so it could be a whole range of things: Sadness, pride, anger, victimhood, betrayal, self-responsible, sexual, imperfect, weak, strong, etc.

If we can recognize this, we can start to notice what seems to threaten us (inside or outside, since the outside threats are almost always augmented by our projections) and find ways to allow ourselves to experience the banished emotions. Validating and permitting the existence of these emotions and identities, we unlock their messages, and they no longer have power over us. We can be the loving awareness that is able to see them and choose how they show up, rather than unconsciously repress. Usually anxiety or depression subside as they're welcomed in love. New clarity emerges on what actions will more protect us for our present circumstances.

There’s generally a reason we’ve disallowed emotions/beliefs/identities (the anxiety and depression were wise at one time), so the process of ‘turning towards’ feels terrifying at first. Often the examples we’ve seen or done are simply unhealthy, and we don’t realize there are alternatives.

Take feeling victimized by the results of a presidential election for example. (Feel free to replace 'victim' with pride or anything else, the point is the same). Maybe you felt threatened by your parents’ victimhood as a kid. Or maybe you hurt someone when you saw yourself as a victim. So you see being a victim as ‘bad’ and you don’t want to be ‘bad’, so you’ve unwittingly relegated victimhood to the unconscious (which doesn’t work, because it both slips out unbidden and gets projected onto all the victimy, bad people out there, and you’re surrounded by victims).

 Allowing v Expressing 

In the face of this it’s very helpful to remember that allowing does not equal expressing. Allowing is simply saying “it’s OK for me to feel this”. Expressing means “here’s how this is going to act in the world”. Learning to trust this distinction—that feeling doesn't have to mean acting—is one of the key steps in becoming more comfortable with "turning towards" what we’ve repressed.

This distinction is also critical for Relatefulness. Not all expressions are created equal. Some keep us locked in an endless loop. Some help us heal. Some are nearly impossible for other people to receive. Some express love. A common mistake is for newbies to think that there’s one particular way to express whatever’s happening in them (eg: “Anger should be yelled!” Or “Grief should be cried!”), and to make themselves or others wrong for not expressing as they expect. (Speaking of making yourself wrong, finding better ways to do something doesn’t mean your old ways were crap; it means you’re learning).

Running from something (through anxiety, depression, or other forms of repression) gives it power over us, while turning toward it with loving awareness ironically gives us more control over how we act. (Defenses do what they're designed to defend against). This redefines emotional maturity not as the capacity to keep certain experiences at bay or to fully embody them, but as the capacity to be present with the full range of experience, free to choose its expression.

With love, Jordan