...allowing versus expressing...

 (continuation of "anxiety and depression")

In the face of this it’s very helpful to remember that allowing does not equal expressing. Allowing is simply saying “it’s OK for me to feel this”. Expressing means “here’s how this is going to act in the world”. Learning to trust this distinction—that feeling doesn't have to mean acting—is one of the key steps in becoming more comfortable with "turning towards" what we’ve repressed.

This distinction is also critical for Relatefulness. Not all expressions are created equal. Some keep us locked in an endless loop. Some help us heal. Some are nearly impossible for other people to receive. Some express love. A common mistake is for newbies to think that there’s one particular way to express whatever’s happening in them (eg: “Anger should be yelled!” Or “Grief should be cried!”), and to make themselves or others wrong for not expressing as they expect. (Speaking of making yourself wrong, finding better ways to do something doesn’t mean your old ways were crap; it means you’re learning).

Running from something (through anxiety, depression, or other forms of repression) gives it power over us, while turning toward it with loving awareness ironically gives us more control over how we act. (Defenses do what they're designed to defend against). This redefines emotional maturity not as the capacity to keep certain experiences at bay or to fully embody them, but as the capacity to be present with the full range of experience, free to choose its expression.

With love, Jordan